Thursday, December 10, 2009

THE B-LIST: SING, SING A SONG

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Way, way back when we first discussed the slasher movie craze of the early 80s, we covered a lot of the tropes and clichés and possible subtexts to be found in the literally hundreds of such movies produced during that period. What we didn’t mention was the music. Now, we’re not talking about the immediately recognizable scores such as John Carpenter’s Halloween or Harry Manfredini’s Friday The 13th. No, we mean the fantastically weird theme songs which sometimes ran over the end credits. A few, like The Fat Boys’ Are You Ready For Freddy actually ended up being released as singles, but for genre nuts, the real gems are the obscure ones which you only heard if you hung around in the theater while most everyone else was making a beeline for the parking lot. What follows are excerpts from some of the most memorable…

APRIL FOOL’S DAY (1986)

This little diddy might sound like an odd choice to close out a horror movie, but from beginning to end April Fool’s Day is chock full of practical jokes (dark, dark jokes, but jokes just the same), so this tune fits right in with the tongue-in-cheek goings on.

MADMAN (1982)

As the unlucky counselors in this cult classic find out, Madman Marz is much more than just a tale told to scare the kiddies. However, that is how they’re first introduced to him, as nothing more than a legend to be recounted while sitting around the campfire. Listening to this, you can almost hear the s’mores sizzling.

MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981)

Forget the noisy, crude remake, the original MBV is much loved by fans for its authentic settings and realistic, likable cast (none of whom burst into a dwarf’s room butt naked). This folksy number perfectly captures the feel of the rundown blue collar mining town which provides the backdrop for Harry Warden’s dirty deeds.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME (1981)

Melissa Sue Anderson spends much of this movie confused and tortured, and then it gets worse for her towards the end. The movie finishes on a particularly downbeat note for her character, which, I’m sure you’ll agree, is more than adequately reflected in this song.

DON’T GO IN THE WOODS (1981)

This movie is legendarily bad. Nuff said.

I have to admit, as cheesy as some of these songs are, I really miss them whenever I give in and watch a modern slasher. A lot of the generic indie rock and heavy metal pieces you get at the end of today’s movies (and some of the old, let’s be fair) are tolerable enough I suppose, but you can tell they were just slapped on because that’s the song style popular with the intended demographic. What makes these old songs, even the corny ones, so much better is that they actually feel like a part of the movie, intimately connected with the story you’ve been watching. Even for dumb slasher flicks, It makes for an all around more immersive movie going experience.

In a way it’s like the stuff we’re supposed to hear at mass. As the Catechism points out, “Song and music fulfill their function as signs in a manner all the more significant when they are "more closely connected… with the liturgical action," according to three principal criteria: beauty expressive of prayer, the unanimous participation of the assembly at the designated moments, and the solemn character of the celebration. In this way they participate in the purpose of the liturgical words and actions: the glory of God and the sanctification of the faithful.” Needless to say, there are arguments to be made that much of contemporary liturgical music doesn’t meet these standards.

With all the other problems ongoing in The Church right now, the state of liturgical music might not seem high on the list. But In his autobiography, Milestones: Memoirs 1927-1977, the future Pope Benedict XVI wrote “I am convinced that the crisis in the Church that we are experiencing today is to a large extent due to the disintegration of the liturgy, which at times has even come to be conceived of etsi Deus non daretur: in that it is a matter of indifference whether or not God exists and whether or not He speaks to us and hears us. But when the community of faith, the world-wide unity of the Church and her history, and the mystery of the living Christ are no longer visible in the liturgy, where else, then, is the Church to become visible in her spiritual essence?”

The Pope wasn’t speaking solely of music, of course, but it was part of his discussion. Music matters. As we noted in the examples above, the proper song in a movie can make for a more memorable experience. The proper song in a mass can bring a person to God.

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Saturday, December 05, 2009

NOW SHOWING AT A BLOG NEAR YOU

Ahhh, nothing like watching the Wolfman and Igor TCB and dig it to Amos Moses is there? It seems the upcoming review for Voyage Of The Rock Aliens has put us in the mood for some aural delights around here. Fortunately, there happens to be a few to be found out there in cyberspace which match up with our particular interests, and we thought we’d share them with the rest of you.

First up, we have renowned Catholic philosopher Peter Kreeft’s self described three point sermon on screenwriting. This is a short 30 minute speech delivered to a roomful of film students given with the hopes of helping them to understand the role their religion can play in their chosen profession. He also gives them some pointers on writing good screenplays which I hope at least 90% of them follow. Why not 100%? Well, we have to keep some of them writing bad movies, otherwise we’d be out of business here.

Which isn’t to say we don’t appreciate good writing when we see it. Or hear it for that matter. Over at the Forgotten Classics podcast the Happy Catholic is smack dab in the middle of a reading of The Uninvited which, if you’re not familiar with the title, was made into an excellent movie back in 1944 with Ray Milland. There are differences between the book and the film adaptation, of course, but this is one of the few cases where both are worth the time spent with them.

I haven’t read the Twilight books or seen their adaptations, so I can’t say if the same holds true for those works. Luckily, Father Barron over at The Word On Fire has taken a peak at the films, and he’s put his brief opinion on the current vampire craze up on YouTube. Now all you fans of smooth skinned shirtless adolescents need not fret, the good father doesn’t take any potshots at the movie, but rather discusses some of the possible reasons a secular culture has become so entranced with nosferatu.

If you’re not among the cult of the modern day vampire, however, and would prefer something with a little more teeth to it, then you might try hopping over to the Catholic Under The Hood podcast where Father Seraphim takes a look at what Catholics have believed about werewolves over the centuries. Hair raising? Maybe. Interesting? Definitely.

And finally, I would be remiss if I did not point out that The Flicks That Church Forgot podcast is back up and running. Put together by Peter Laws, a Baptist minister across the pond, the show covers pretty much the same ground we do around here, just without the lengthy quotes from the Catholic Catechism. Hey, nobody’s perfect right? Still, the good minister is taking a shot at dragging Christian meaning out of the 1988 cheese fest Slugs this week, so I have to give him his due.

Well, that should be enough to give everybody’s Ipod a good work out for awhile. And be sure to stay tuned here over the next couple of weeks as the hits will just keep on coming.

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Thursday, December 03, 2009

COMING ATTRACTIONS: VOYAGE OF THE ROCK ALIENS

Coming up next, our first ever musical! Why, oh why do I do these things to myself?

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SCREAM BLACULA SCREAM

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THE TAGLINE

“The Black Prince of Shadows Stalks the Earth Again!”

THE PLOT

When last we saw the good Prince Mamuwalde, he had willingly accepted doom in the light of the rising sun rather than face an eternity without his bride. Sadly, Mamuwalde’s rest is short lived as the eeevil voodoo-Houngan wannabe Willis resurrects the vampire to use against his recently deceased mother’s followers after they wisely chose the beauteous Lisa as their new Mambo instead of him. Things don’t go as planned for Willis, however, as his would-be slave quickly becomes his master. Done with that annoyance, Mamuwalde turns his attention to investigating the circumstances which led to his resurrection, discovering in the process not only Lisa, but also an obscure voodoo ritual which she might be able to use to free him from the shackles of vampirism forever. Both frightened for her people and sympathetic to Mamuwalde’s plight, Lisa agrees to aid the prince by arranging the elaborate exorcism. Unfortunately, the ceremony is disrupted by a group of bumbling policeman led to the scene by Lisa’s worried boyfriend, an act which ignites Blacula’s blood rage. With her one opportunity to bring peace to Mamuwalde gone and the body count rising, the newbie priestess is left with no choice but to use her burgeoning talents to try and destroy the monster instead.

THE POINT

In 1992 one of the world’s most celebrated directors, fresh off of frightening the entire world with his daughter’s acting in The Godfather III, decided to continue on in the horror vein (pun intended) and released what was being touted as the most faithful adaptation of the novel Dracula ever put to film. Having just finished reading the book a second time, I was psyched, ready to see a Dracula movie which finally addressed not only the issue of Victorian sexuality (all the adaptations have managed to fit in the sex angle), but also touched on the subtexts of science versus religion and xenophobia, all the while telling a good adventure story with stalwart, heroic characters fighting a ruthless monster. So, yeah, it’s safe to say I hated Coppola’s movie right away. Don’t get me wrong, if you skip any comparison to the original book, the film has a few strengths of its own (visuals, Tom Waits) and has slowly grown on me over the years. A little. But with all the additions the film made to the story (really weird for Coppola, a director well known for slavishly sticking to his source materials), it’s not Bram Stoker’s Dracula. If it’s anything, it’s Francis Ford Coppola’s Blacula.

Go ahead, call me crazy. Again. (I’m pretty used to it by now.) But hear me out at least. In Coppola’s movie, a noble foreign prince cursed with eternal loneliness, chances across the reincarnation of his one true love. The prince becomes consumed with his desire to reunite with his beloved, but his unholy thirst forces him to occasionally transform into a demon and kill, an act which repels the person he so desperately longs to be with. Eventually the woman’s old soul reawakens and she overcomes her terror enough to see the man beneath the monster, but too much bloodshed has occurred and society demands retribution for his sins. Inevitably, the lovers are torn apart and, realizing his soulmate is forever beyond his reach, the prince willingly accepts death. Whew. Dramatic, huh? But the thing is, none of that stuff was actually in Bram Stoker’s novel. It was, however, the entire plot of the first Blacula movie. And when you throw in the fact that both movies contained some outlandish costuming choices (okay, so people in the 70s really wore the stuff you see in Blacula, but still) and both movies featured a powerful lead performance hamstrung by a ridiculous supporting cast, the only conclusion that can be reached is that Coppola didn’t give proper credit to the real inspiration for his movie. Ain’t that just like whitey? Can’t even give a brother his due!

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Okay, okay, so odds are that Coppola didn’t really steal his love story angle from Blacula (that was probably just Oldman and Ryder making sure their parts got padded), but after recently sitting thorough a blaxploitation monsterthon (both Blacula films, Blackenstein, Abby a.k.a. The Blaxorcist, and The Thing With Two Heads) I’m not really in the frame of mind to give THE MAN the benefit of the doubt. (And technically, I am THE MAN!) So why have that reaction you might ask? Well, as Prof. Harry M Benshoff, writing in the Winter 2000 issue of Cinema Journal, explains things, blaxploitation horror films were those “made in the early 1970s that had some degree of African American input, not necessarily through the director but perhaps through a screenwriter, producer, and/or even an actor. The label “blaxploitation horror films” thus signifies a historically specific subgenre that potentially explores (rather than simply exploits) race or race consciousness as core structuring principles… Central to these films reappropriation of the monster as an empowering black figure is the softening, romanticizing, and even valorizing of the monster… a specifically black avenger who justifiably fights against the dominant order – which is often explicitly coded as racist.” So yeah, regardless of your own skin color, watch enough blaxploitation horror films and you’re likely to come away a bit suspicious of anybody who’s low on melanin.

Except it’s not quite that cut and dry with Scream Blacula Scream because, if you pay attention, you’ll notice there’s hardly any white people in the movie at all. Sure, there’s the obligatory bigoted white detective who is more than content to write off the slayings as just some crazy black voodoo types offing one another, but his character seems to be there simply because its a blaxploitation movie, which sort of requires that there be at least one obnoxious white guy in a position of power. Besides him, the only other non-black person of note in the movie is an early victim of Blacula played by 60s starlet Barabra Rhoades who says almost nothing and appears to serve little purpose beyond being eye candy. (And even that’s superfluous considering Pam Grier is in the movie. Oh, what? Like it was only black guys buying tickets to see Coffy?) With so few white faces in the film, the typical blaxploitation subtext of racial animosity doesn’t really take center stage in Scream Blacula Scream. But if that’s not what’s going on, then what is?

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Well, to figure that out, you have to start with the character of Blacula himself. Prof. Benshoff proposes that, “In addition to suffering from racial discrimination from whites, Blacula is also an anomaly in the predominantly black community. While his skin color renders him the same, his noble African background positions him as the Other amongst contemporary black Americans.” And you do get to see this play out a number of times throughout the movie as Mamuwalde is confronted by the usual assortment of pimps, hustlers, and winos one finds scattered throughout blaxploitation flicks, encounters which always end with the prince sprouting his monstrous Blacula eyebrows and sideburns and laying waste to the offenders. The best such scene, for me at least, occurs when the newly vampirized Willis emerges into the parlor dressed in his finest polyester… um, I don’t know what it is (you look at the above picture and tell me) and strolls to the mirror to admire himself, only to learn to his utter dismay that nosferatu don’t cast reflections. Willis immediately begins shuckin' and jivin' Mamuwalde, trying his histrionic best to convince the prince of the importance of a man being able to see how good he looks before he goes out for the night. (Please, somebody who knows, tell me the costume designer didn’t really think that suit looked good and meant the whole thing as satire.) Mamuwalde will have none of it, of course, and gives Willis the verbal lashing he so richly deserves, if not for his bad taste in clothing, then at least for being such a narcissistic dodo.

But pimps, hustlers, and winos are not the only contemporary black Americans that Mamuwalde clashes with (thankfully, otherwise we’d be back in Stepin Fetchit territory); there’s also the members of Lisa’s congregation who all appear to be relatively normal (at least as normal as people dressed in 70s fashion can be). And it’s not Mamuwalde’s noble African background which causes friction with that group, but rather Blacula’s anger and rage, an attitude in direct contrast to their seeming contentment. In fact, it’s the low key personalities of the voodoo practitioners which brings about one of the consistent (and I believe unfair) criticisms of Scream Blacula Scream. There seems to be a lot of reviewers out there who believe that the character of Lisa is too reserved and timid to be played by Pam Grier. But I think that’s just pigeonholing an actress who has the range to properly play a role in the way it HAD to be acted. For instance, in what has to be the best scene of the movie in terms of atmospheric horror, Lisa, who has been sitting vigil over her best friend Gloria, stares in mute terror as the dead woman sits up in her coffin and beckons for Lisa to come to her. (Sadly for modern audiences, while the atmosphere remains, any true horror to be found in this scene goes completely out the window as soon as it becomes evident that the ghoulish Gloria is a dead ringer for a strung-out Whitney Houston.) Blacula bursts in to save Lisa, but his appearance and demeanor end up frightening her just as much, perhaps even more, than that of Gloria. The scene is pivotal in that it establishes the fact that while Lisa will agree to help Mamuwalde, she is fearful and wary of his bestial side and does not really see the vampire as a kindred spirit. This simply could not have been communicated as well had Ms. Grier gone all Foxy Brown, knocked out Gloria’s teeth, and punched Blacula in the groin.

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Buried as it is beneath all of the usual B-movie horror trappings such as fakey looking fangs, badly animated vampire bats, and (where can I get one) Blacula voodoo dolls, this conflict between the various members of the black community is what provides the real subtext to Scream Blacula Scream. It’s pretty much accepted that Mamuwalde’s vampirism is an explicit metaphor for slavery what with his being symbolically shackled by Dracula and given the slave name of Blacula (Which never really made much sense as it is unlikely Dracula and Mamuwalde would have been speaking English. Still, I guess it can be overlooked since the Romanian word for black is negru and Negrula just doesn’t quite have that same ring to it.). And since his captivity is still in place as the 70s roll around, Blacula himself could be seen to represent the seething anger over the lingering effects of slavery and the ensuing years of discrimination following emancipation. This could go a long way towards explaining why Blacula never directly attacks the pimps, hustlers, and winos until they first assault him. From a blaxploitation perspective, these are the very same people most suffering from the same systemic evils as Mamuwalde himself, so he cuts them some slack until they cross the line.

It’s different with Lisa’s people, however. Even though the voodoo cult immediately welcomes Mamuwalde, it is on them the vampire begins to feed when his irresistible  blood lust takes over. One possible explanation for this could be that, as Griffith University’s Dr. Amanda Howell points out, blaxploitation films often “focus on urban neighborhoods transformed into ghettoes by the widening economic gap between poor and middle class blacks and between blacks and whites”. According to Columbia University’s Amistad Digital Resources for Teaching, it was these “disparities between black city residents and those who lived in the affluent middle-class suburbs [which] finally produced a series of urban uprisings that drew their energy from the alienation and anger of the unfulfilled promise of equality under civil rights. While depicted as riots by the media and government, these uprisings very intentionally targeted the economic sources of oppression in their communities--department stores, downtown storefronts, etc.” In that context, it would be easy to read Blacula’s actions against the seemingly well-to-do voodooers as representative of those class-based inner-racial  hostilities many poor urban blacks felt during that period.

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But even if that’s what the filmmakers were getting at (assuming they actually were trying to get at anything beyond people’s wallets), Mamuwalde himself doesn’t see his own actions as righteous. Rather than use the systemic bigotry which brought about his condition as an excuse for his violent behavior, the prince instead wishes to be purged of his demons, which, in the context of the movie, can only come through Lisa’s religion. Until he can do that, Mamuwalde knows that he will never be the black avenger the ad campaigns claimed him to be, but instead just another monster who ultimately brings harm to the very people he is supposed to be avenging. In this self-awareness, Mamuwalde is actually drawing on the wisdom of that part of voodoo which comes from Christianity. If you don’t believe me, then ask modern day voodoo priestess Miriam Chamani. In an interview with the Christian Research Journal she admits that most of her followers retain some sort of residual Christianity in their hearts. “There was something instilled in us through those institutions that we cannot deny, and we found something [there] that made sense.”

And what makes sense in this case is the 1984 Instruction On Certain Aspects Of The "Theology Of Liberation" published by the Congregation For The Doctrine Of The Faith under the guidance of a guy you may have heard of named Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger. The document notes that “the acute need for radical reforms of the structures which conceal poverty and which are themselves forms of violence, should not let us lose sight of the fact that the source of injustice is in the hearts of men. Therefore it is only by making an appeal to the 'moral potential' of the person and to the constant need for interior conversion, that social change will be brought about which will be truly in the service of man. For it will only be in the measure that they collaborate freely in these necessary changes through their own initiative and in solidarity, that people, awakened to a sense of their responsibility, will grow in humanity.” Or, in essence, you can’t expect a twisted, broken system to be fixed by twisted, broken people.

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Which raises some interesting speculations regarding Mamuwalde. Had not Lisa’s well meaning, but ultimately blundering, non-believer of a boyfriend interrupted the ceremony and denied the prince his salvation, what would Mamuwalde have done after the curse of Blacula had been lifted? (Assuming he didn’t crumble to dust that is, you know, what with his being a few centuries old and all that.) Some modern day black theologians worry that this is the point at which many people begin to do absolutely nothing. Anthony G. Reddie, writing in a 2007 issue of Black Theology (natch), worries that “by emphasizing the hyper-spiritualized nature of Christ’s saving work, White Christianity has been able to replace practice with rhetoric… In effect, Christian discipleship is reduced to those who are able to say the right words and identify with Jesus’ saving work; but with little accompanying need to follow his radical, counter-cultural actions. In short, White Evangelicalism has taught us all to “worship Christ” but not to “follow him.” Collective prophetic action has been replaced by private piety.”

While Mr. Reddie is primarily addressing a problem he perceives in certain protestant churches, it is one we all have to watch out for. Once we ourselves have been freed from whatever forces were enslaving us, the temptation is always there to get as far away from them as possible, leaving those still in chains to deal with the situation on their own. But as the 1984 Instruction points out, that kind of thing is a big no-no. “We are not talking here about abandoning an effective means of struggle on behalf of the poor for an ideal which has no practical effects. On the contrary, we are talking about freeing oneself from a delusion in order to base oneself squarely on the Gospel and its power of realization.” In short, we first find salvation for ourselves so that we may then properly bring it to the rest of the world. Or to paraphrase the old Funkadelic song, we free our minds so that our asses will follow.

THE STINGER

Having spent quite a bit of time with blaxploitation movies these last few weeks, I feel I must confess a small prejudice of my own. You want to know what I always hated about black people? I mean really, truly, not kidding at all, despised? The Jheri Curl. Now before you go sicking Blacula on me, please give me a minute to explain. You see, one of my closest friends in high school was black, so naturally, when it came time to head off to Atlanta to attend college, he was one of the guys who moved up with me to share an apartment. Which was great except for the fact that this was during the mid-80s, and nobody was bigger in the mid-80s than Michael Jackson. And Michael Jackson wore a Jheri Curl. That meant a lot of guys like my roommate decided to wear a Jheri Curl too. In all honesty, it wasn’t that big of a deal during high school, the only real annoyance being the occasional oily stain on the interior roof of my car. A bit of an ick factor, for sure, but nothing that couldn’t be handled. That first blustery January morning in Atlanta, however, when I was the second person into the shower, and my bare naked foot sunk into an ice cold puddle of thick, slimy curl activator… well, let’s just say I wasn’t attending church at the time and didn’t handle that so well. And thanks to class scheduling, I was almost ALWAYS the second person into the shower. Suffice to say, I learned to freakin’ hate the Jheri Curl. Still do. So if that earns me a visit from Dracula’s soul brother, so be it. Here I stand, I can do no other.

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Monday, November 16, 2009

INTERMISSION: YOU BIG DUMMY

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Yes, this is yet another post full of excuses for not blogging regularly, but at least I’ve got a doctor’s note this time. I was having some bad symptoms which required an impromptu visit to the cardiologist this week to get poked, prodded, and run through the wringer. Or treadmill, if you want to be literal about it.

Now, not to worry, it’s not THE BIG ONE or anything like that. In fact, my heart actually tested above average for my age, something I could have told the doctors BEFORE they started inserting the needles if they had bothered to ask. (After all, in Whoville they say that when I came home to the Church my small Grinchy heart grew THREE sizes that day!) Unfortunately, I do seem to have developed a case of severe reflux coupled with borderline acute exhaustion. So, I’ve been busy these last few days trying not to be busy. And trying to figure out how to live without caffeine. Guess which one’s been harder?

Anyway, the blog will continue (can’t disappoint my tens of fans), but it will probably still be in fits and starts for the next two or three weeks while I settle into my new routine. And my new (sob) diet. You know, for a guy who harps on the Catechism all the time, I don’t see how I missed the paragraph which states, “Life and physical health are precious gifts entrusted to us by God. We must take reasonable care of them.” What a big dummy.

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Sunday, November 08, 2009

CUTAWAYS: QUEEN KONG

Well, whatever plague my son brought home from school this time has finally run its course, but I have to say I didn’t appreciate having my recent blaxploitation horror marathon continuously interrupted by bouts of projectile vomiting. Still, the combination of the two did bring to mind this scene from Queen Kong. (Yes, Queen Kong.)

Yow! I guess good roles for black actresses really were pretty scarce back in the pre-Cosby show days, huh? Maybe Halle Berry wasn’t being blubberingly self-indulgent after all when she won the Academy Award for best actress exclaiming, “it's for every nameless, faceless woman of color that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened. Thank you. I'm so honored. I'm so honored. And I thank the Academy for choosing me to be the vessel for which His blessing might flow.”

Okay, so maybe there was a wee bit of self-indulgence in that speech. But it’s hard to blame her too much. You see, even though a purely black cinema can trace its origin all the way back to 1916 when the Lincoln Motion Picture Company, the first movie company organized entirely by black filmmakers, began producing films which “proved a revelation to those who have never seen our folks in anything but comedies”, it never really garnered much attention outside of the basements of black churches. Instead, Hollywood filled its productions with stereotypical racial characterizations along the lines of Lincoln Perry’s Stepin Fetchit, a bug-eyed trickster who feigned ignorance and laziness in order to avoid having to do anything his white bosses demanded of him. In a 2006 NPR interview, film historian Mel Watkins noted that while many black viewers were in on the joke (kind of like the ladies in the Queen Kong clip) and considered Perry’s character subversive, “black leaders were putting pressure on Hollywood to rid the screen of the stereotype he was responsible for creating.”

Unfortunately, when things finally did begin to change for blacks onscreen during the civil rights movement, collective guilt over past insults resulted in something of an over-compensation on the part of white film makers. As John Silk wrote in Racism and Anti-Racism in American Popular Culture, “the major new black stereotype to appear in the nineteen-fifties and sixties [was] that of the impossibly noble and virtuous superhero – the ‘ebony saint’.” (Those so inclined may insert their own political jokes here cause I ain’t touching it!) So you can see the problem black actors had with their prospective roles as the 1970s approached. You could play a Pickaninny or a Poitier, but precious little in between.

Now you don’t need to know that woefully inadequate history of pre-70s black cinema to enjoy blaxploitation movies like the upcoming (very soon, I promise) Scream Blacula Scream, as they contain enough of the usual tropes of drive-in fare (car chases, kung-fu, etc.) to satisfy just about any B-movie fan. I mean, on the level of pure spectacle, it really doesn’t matter if it's Don “The Dragon” Wilson or Fred “The Hammer” Williamson doing the fighting, just as long as somebody’s punching somebody else in the face. But the backstory does help some if you want to understand these movies’ significance to later generations of black film makers. After all those years of stereotypes and missteps, it was the blaxploitation movie which finally ushered in a period where not only was there movies about black people and black issues from across the social spectrum, but they were movies which people of all colors were actually willing to pay to see. I think it’s safe to say that it was the Pam Griers of yesteryear who kicked opened the doors (literally) and made it possible for the Halle Berrys of today to have the same opportunities as white actresses have to choose to ruin their careers by making a movie like Catwoman.

As a Catholic, the slow evolution of the black image in Hollywood gives me a little hope that one day we could see the same for The Church. Cause we’re not seeing a lot of it right now, that’s for sure. As Deacon Paul Jarvis wrote in the St. Thomas Standard, “Hollywood culture (and the media in general) is toxic to people of deeply held and lived Catholic faith.  And because of this, those who write the twisted and silly stories about twisted and silly nuns and priests basically write from nothing… This lack of experience merely perpetuates the cartoonish Catholic stereotypes endemic to our historically anti-Catholic nation. What seems to be needed are creative practicing Catholics who can make it in Hollywood and, in spite of Hollywood, make a difference…  We need Catholic scriptwriters who will not only exclude insipid stereotypes from their scripts (think Sister Act), but actually call attention to them when they somehow slip into a script.  They ought to make a big stink about them, in fact.  We need creative Catholic risk-takers who will conjure up imaginative, faith-inspired stories that resonate with all readers and viewers – while challenging them at the same time.”

I agree with all of that. But I’d also like people to actually watch the movies those “catholic risk-takers” make. Considering what worked for blaxploitation, there has to be some Catholics out there with the wherewithal to make a movie that contains all of the things Deacon Paul called for, and yet still has plenty of time for scenes where somebody gets their face kung-fued. Under the proper requirements of just war theory, of course. Come on, guys, I know you can do it. I have faith.

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Thursday, October 29, 2009

INTERMISSION: HAPPY HAPPY HALLOWEEN III

Yes, once again, work is playing havoc with the blogging schedule around here, but there’s no way we could let Halloween slip by without offering up our annual Halloween costume suggestions based on some of the classic (possibly even epic) movies reviewed here over the past twelve months. We do this every year because, being a Christian oriented blog, we realize there are some of our brethren out there who may be reluctant to dress up in some of the more monstrous fare one can find on store shelves. Say, for instance…

Hopefully, this post will provide inspiration for outfits with a bit more of a (albeit sometimes paper thin) spiritual theme to them.

zardoz13We understand, times being what they are, that budget constraints may be an issue this Halloween season. But since “low budget” is kind of our bread and butter at The B-Movie Catechism, we think we can help out If cost is a concern. And we can think of no better recommendation for a low cost costume than the manlier-than-thou Zed from ZARDOZ. All one needs for this little ensemble is a red adult-sized diaper, your grandma’s old go-go boots, and one of those fake Groucho mustaches. And that’s it. Five bucks tops! Well, that and enough self confidence for ten men. Because that’s what you’re gonna need it if you expect to carry out the central theme of Zardoz which, as you might remember, was “the natural proclivity for human beings to form a traditional heterosexual family focused on cranking out children.” Seriously, what self-respecting woman is going to marry, much less breed with, guys when they look this silly?

310x229_cherry2000_2 None, that’s who. Maybe that’s why so many men are giving up on ever having a relationship and settling instead for robot sex slaves. Well, don’t you stand for it, ladies! With an orange mop-top wig, your grandpa’s old buckskin jacket, and whatever army surplus rocket launcher you can get your hands on, you too can be a post-apocalyptic no-nonsense butt-kicking tracker like Melanie Griffith from CHERRY 2000. You can simultaneously blast the bad guys AND teach your man the important lesson Pope John II reminded us of in “Mulieris Dignitatem”, that “the awareness that in marriage there is mutual "subjection of the spouses out of reverence for Christ", and not just that of the wife to the husband.”

harvey-korman-star-wars Ah, the never ending battle of the sexes. If only men and women could take to heart the words of Princess Leia from THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL, “No matter how different we appear, we're all the same in our struggle against the powers of evil and darkness.” And what better way to prove we’re all the same this holiday season than by dressing up as Mrs. Chewbacca’s favorite cross dressing four-armed chef, Gormaanda. A little bit of grandpa, a little bit of grandma, and a whole lotta stupid. Throw in some face paint and, voila, everyone will know your heart is in the right place. And you’ll learn how to make a mean Bantha Surprise as well.

starcrash_codpieces But wait, you say, isn’t Gormaanda a Jedi? Couldn’t that clash of religions turn out to be a problem? Not necessarily, according to The Catechism. “Difference of confession between the spouses does not constitute an insurmountable obstacle for marriage, when they succeed in placing in common what they have received from their respective communities, and learn from each other the way in which each lives in fidelity to Christ.” It’s a lot of work, but it can be done. And for those of you out there who may be in that situation and would like your costumes to reflect your  struggles, what could be better than going as the space faring adventurers from STARCRASH. Different planets, different philosophies, different hairstylists, but all united in their desire to carry out the mission given them by the Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe. And best of all, you can put the whole thing together with a few vinyl raincoats, a couple liters of Aqua Net, and your grandparents old… codpieces.

bride And finally, in a desperate attempt to keep the theme going, we give you the zombie bride from THE VIDEO DEAD. Pull that old wedding gown out of the mothballs, spread some cake frosting on your face, and you’re good to go. Maybe it’ll say something about how “the matrimonial union of man and woman is indissoluble.” Or maybe not. I don’t know. Look, it’s been a rough year at work and the pickings among the few reviews I actually got to do this year were pretty slim. Hey, four out of five ain’t bad, right?

We’ll try to do better next year. Until then, everyone have a safe and fun Halloween and we’ll see you at mass on All Saints Day.

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Friday, October 16, 2009

YOU WIN SOME…

headfamily

That handsome fellow up there is a picture of me earlier this morning after I finally got around to listening to last Friday’s Catholic Answers Live featuring an interview with Jeff Miller, The Curt Jester. The ever gracious Mr. Miller was very complimentary about my efforts here and I just wanted to thank him publicly for his kind words. I have to admit, it went to my head a little bit…

…until later this afternoon when I read Stefan McDaniel’s featured article at First Things which seems to suggest that we bloggers represent the end of all intelligent discourse on the planet, completing the mental death spiral begun by television decades ago. Okay, so it’s actually an essay applying Neil Postman’s theory of the Typographic Mind to the blogosphere and has some interesting points worth arguing about, but golly gee whillikers Mr. McDaniel, way to deflate a guy.

harry

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